Raymond van Barneveld has opened up on his 'disaster' farewell year and his plans for redemption ahead of next week's European Qualifying School.
Over a year on from his infamous loss to Darin Young at Alexandra Palace, Van Barneveld is preparing to embark on a new journey starting from the very bottom of the PDC pyramid at Q School on Monday.
The five-time World Champion announced his intention to come out of retirement in October, and has spoken at length about what went wrong in what was supposed to be a fond farewell tour in 2019.
"This last year was a nightmare with coronavirus, but the year before was even worse for me. I wasn’t myself anymore," admitted Van Barneveld.
"Problems with divorce. Problems with my head. Problems with my children. I couldn’t play darts any more, the thing in my head was to give up.
"Jaco [ex-manager] told me it was the best thing to do and to be fair, I was never ever keen to do this.
“At the time when Jaco told me this at the Grand Prix in Ireland, I was really emotional. After that he just said ‘Ray, say goodbye to the fans and make it a nice year’.
“But every time when I walked off that stage I felt ashamed. I can do more than this. I am better than this. I’m going to handle this.
“Even then on the World Championship night against Darin Young, I was averaging 96/97 and he got 87 or something and beat me 3-1.
“That moment was really the hardest moment in my life. I really felt the floor sinking below me. I was thinking wow after all I’ve done for myself, my family and all my fans. Is this the way I need to say goodbye? That felt horrible."
Following the painful defeat to Young, Van Barneveld infamously dismissed his career achievements in post-match interviews, visibly distraught at the sad end to his career.
Months later, the 53-year-old admits to watching back old clips with pride, using them as motivation to end his career in a better way.
Van Barneveld continued: “I was hating myself so much because of that last year. The last 10-12 months for me were good to acknowledge what happened.
"I started to look back in my career. Sometimes these were really emotional moments with tears in my eyes. Kissing my grandson in the walk-on in the Premier League in Rotterdam, giving him my necklace. I couldn’t handle it.
"Wow, it meant something to me, to be there for all these fans throughout the world. Everywhere they came up, they all love Barney. I started to believe in that. Wow, do I miss this or what? The warm feeling from the crowd.
"They are singing and always backing me. I think: ‘What did I turn to the dark side?’ This is wrong. I became depressed, a nightmare for players, always down, always talking bad about myself. And I don’t know where that came from.
"I was watching these videos thinking ‘oh my God what happened’. Even when I played so bad they (the fans) were always there. Those moments I cherish. I have the feeling I want to do something back for them.
“I have the feeling that I still need to prove something back to the crowd because the way I walked off was a shame. They didn’t deserve that.
"But the old devil comes in my head and I just say things in front of the camera which I shouldn’t have done. I regret that. It happens.
"Now I feel good, I feel reborn, I have my focus back. I cannot wait to start playing darts again."
However, it wasn't until a chance meeting with former coach Iwe Kuitert that comeback plans started to become serious for Van Barneveld.
"Iwe was always my coach during Lakeside and we won many tournaments together. Sometimes things come in your way, your path and it has to be like that," the Dutch legend explained.
"I was with Julia [Raymond's partner] in the Hague town shopping and I met him there in a clothing shop. We went for coffee and he said: ‘You need to start Q School again because you are talented and a fantastic player.’
"From that point, I started thinking about it. Ben de Kok [former Manager] called me, and suggested I join the team with Jeffrey [de Zwaan]. It went so fast from October 1. I am really happy that these guys are backing me."
Van Barneveld's Q School journey will begin on Monday in European Stage 1A which he must come through to reach the final stage starting on Sunday February 14.
"I cannot wait. I am practising five times a day now, from 9am to 2/3pm. Every day we play darts, work out in the gym, or outside, we do fitness," Van Barneveld continued.
"We take it really seriously. I have never played Q School before. It is straight from the bottom and I don’t know what to expect, how many talented players are there, what the level is, I can only look at my own level.
"I am playing really good darts at the moment, the most important thing is in my head I am back.
"I don’t think about: ‘What else? What if I don’t get a Tour card?’ I am going to get a Tour card. That is it.’ I don’t think about anything else. You need to believe in it, work hard for it. This is what we do right now.
"I know a couple of guys from my home town who got a Tour Card and they will play as well. They are really good local players, they are tough to beat. If I play my normal game or A game, I don’t believe they can stop me.”
Both the UK and European Qualifying Schools will see Stage One held across two blocks of three days, from February 8-10 and 11-13, before the Final Stage is held from February 14-17.